Mentor. Hero. Friend.

"The ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self,

the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone

and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another,

to have walked with them and to have believed in them,

and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span,

on a journey impossible to accomplish alone." 

– David Whyte – 

You will be missed.

September 29, 2021. 

"The ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self, the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone." – David Whyte

More. When I find the words. Because I know expression is necessary. 

Men.

I was in secondary school when I cut up my chou chou – a stuffed elephant.
--
I know why it is called a fit of rage. Or why they say someone flew into a fury.
--
I read her tribute to her father; a story of hope that might one day, outline my own. I nearly cried. And I wondered if I'd be able to write from the perspective of one on that journey.
--
He went into the toilet to bathe, for a good forty minutes, just five minutes after I went to switch on the heater. I felt the stirring of a loud "tsk" inside. But tonight isn't a night I want to ruin. He came out whistling. Casually, he said, Jiejie, the water is hot. I bet the heater is off now.
--
Conversations with him have been light this week. Someone recounted his prayers in a note of thanksgiving: he really liked the girl, he prayed. Is it possible? Do I get to pray about this too? I am prone, however, to extrapolating circumstances and projecting their trajectories on my own journey. He has been nothing but generous.

oh. 30.

Maybe it is time to consolidate the journey. It will be another month or so of working from home, but people are emerging, and soon, I will have to as well.

The phrase "new normal" is in – but what was the old normal, even? And what did I learn in this season? Today was a good day – though tyres are busted.

Floaty, flighty fatalist

it's been a while now. time passes in a daze – of sorts. I get through the day, zoned out. was I present today? I'm not sure.

i'm sleepy. but there are things to be done. and I might not wake up in time to do them. but I will wake – or will I?

If I don't, the parents will be the first to find me. I wonder who'll open this laptop ... find this blog. If I die today, will I die without regrets? What would I regret?

How come the Gospel doesn't amaze us? 

Come near

If You are King ... If?

Remember?

Remember?
Remember what was spoken on the mountaintop? Barely.
I feel like a washout. The signs are all there – and I, kinda, know I'm getting affected, but the lack of will to face up to it isn't there. I've barely been impacted – there's no excuse to being affected.
I can't even get over myself to write a story that I believe needs to be written.

Tell Juleen. Take tomorrow to sort this out together.
I don't want to – to tell Juleen that I can't deliver, again; and I don't really want to sort this out cos I'm afraid.

Tell Marietjie. It'll help you feel better.
I don't want to either.

And another voice tells me to suck it up and write that story.
Which is Your voice, God?
If the Spirit intercedes for me in groanings, it's what I need now. Because I dont even know where to begin telling anyone how and what I'm feeling.