sometimes there are moments where for a period of time, our heart's capacity just isn't enough for whatever it is we have experienced. joy, pain, freedom, guilt, love, loneliness - there is no boundary, no defining status, everything and anything goes. it is a moment where that emotion just overwhelms and crushes the soul. in that moment, nothing else matters except the deepest cry of our hearts. absolutely nothing, only that one thing.
this year, i have had many such moments. because i finally understood you but i missed you. when you drove me crazy and erased all the filters. because you lashed out and left. when i saw your courage, felt your pain but could offer nothing. when you showed me what it meant to love and be loved. because i caught a glimpse of your heart and a hint of your plans. when i grieved over your death and struggled with eternity's permanence. because i wanted you so badly.
because I lived this year under the grace and mercy of my Redeemer.
thankfully and rightfully so. if i had not... well, lets just say that, new drivers have instructors in the passenger seats for a reason, and kids are kept away from the drivers' seat.
its a fragile thing we have inside of us. sometimes made even more so by the vulnerabilities we choose to expose. how many disappointments and failures can the heart and soul survive before it starts to get buried under layers and layers of protective scars? the hurt that nonchalance brings... do you know how insanely hard it is to put it aside. reach out over and over and over again? subtle rejection is as equally destructive as nonchalance, let alone a scathingly direct one.
as we bulldoze our way through friendships, courtships and all the other relationships we have, it begs the question, what on earth are we made of? the way we all live our lives pursuing our own agendas, protecting our own precious hearts, we are wildly oblivious of the widespread damage we are causing. it is as if humanity is on convenience-mode with consciences switched off.
i am guilty of this as much as anyone. and sometimes even more so. because where others intuitively know when to tread lightly and prod gently, i seem to stumble in, trampling over wobbly walls in my desire to "reach out". do the limits of failure really only end at the point of surrender? (that unintentionally sounded right.. especially when the surrender is a laying down of pride and mis-informed judgement) are our hearts destined to be continually exposed to the consequences of all our failures?!
but also, when God wants us to be tender-hearted, did he really really mean that we keep our hearts open to feel such an extent of raw emotions? because, if He did, then... its a long hard road ahead.
bright, abundant, overflowing, yes. not only that, but even grief and pain, all part of the parcel. because we are perfectly imperfect. in light of this, His promise then becomes exceedingly great
and our cost, though it pales in comparison to Christ's, becomes something that borders on impossible (humanly speaking).
so how?
this year, i have had many such moments. because i finally understood you but i missed you. when you drove me crazy and erased all the filters. because you lashed out and left. when i saw your courage, felt your pain but could offer nothing. when you showed me what it meant to love and be loved. because i caught a glimpse of your heart and a hint of your plans. when i grieved over your death and struggled with eternity's permanence. because i wanted you so badly.
because I lived this year under the grace and mercy of my Redeemer.
thankfully and rightfully so. if i had not... well, lets just say that, new drivers have instructors in the passenger seats for a reason, and kids are kept away from the drivers' seat.
its a fragile thing we have inside of us. sometimes made even more so by the vulnerabilities we choose to expose. how many disappointments and failures can the heart and soul survive before it starts to get buried under layers and layers of protective scars? the hurt that nonchalance brings... do you know how insanely hard it is to put it aside. reach out over and over and over again? subtle rejection is as equally destructive as nonchalance, let alone a scathingly direct one.
as we bulldoze our way through friendships, courtships and all the other relationships we have, it begs the question, what on earth are we made of? the way we all live our lives pursuing our own agendas, protecting our own precious hearts, we are wildly oblivious of the widespread damage we are causing. it is as if humanity is on convenience-mode with consciences switched off.
i am guilty of this as much as anyone. and sometimes even more so. because where others intuitively know when to tread lightly and prod gently, i seem to stumble in, trampling over wobbly walls in my desire to "reach out". do the limits of failure really only end at the point of surrender? (that unintentionally sounded right.. especially when the surrender is a laying down of pride and mis-informed judgement) are our hearts destined to be continually exposed to the consequences of all our failures?!
but also, when God wants us to be tender-hearted, did he really really mean that we keep our hearts open to feel such an extent of raw emotions? because, if He did, then... its a long hard road ahead.
bright, abundant, overflowing, yes. not only that, but even grief and pain, all part of the parcel. because we are perfectly imperfect. in light of this, His promise then becomes exceedingly great
and our cost, though it pales in comparison to Christ's, becomes something that borders on impossible (humanly speaking).
so how?
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