the lack.

its one of those days again. one of those seasons where talking and rationalising and thinking gives way to irrationality and impulse. carnal thoughts take flesh, earthly desires confound the mind and the straight and narrow path becomes this crazy convoluted ideal - which i am convinced i can never conquer anyway. lust and envy in all shapes and sizes bombard the tired soul that seeks both escape and release.

you know those dreaded days when you, drowning, decide to just stop struggling for a moment? when I become content to settle for the mediocre, and wretched, being that I am.

because, as far as family goes, its too lonely out here.
because, my family, the ones who took me in as a stranger, accepted me for who i was, and cared for me as their own - they are approximately 15,000km away, 8 hours behind and just so far away that i dont know how to reach out.
the family i have here - they vary between those whom i'm responsible for, those who have dropped me like a hot potato and the few i am still learning to build bridges with.

yes, its all about me, its an entire post revolving around the poor little me.
juvenile. teenage angst. emokid89.
warranted?
maybe not.
but i'm tired of reaching out.
i'm tired of taking care of those i love. because its so freaking scary that i dont know how. i know i dont do this on my own strength. but it is on my own strength. where is the fellowship God promised? where are the fellow workers who build up and encourage? i have come to another valley where i am seeking the community of Christ but all i can see are people who were family, those whom i trusted - they are all absorbed in their own little fairytales. my fault in this? i dont trust them anymore, my pride stands in the way of seeking their advice, and experience tells me i'm only going to get the obligatory, superficial 'take care, huey, i'll be praying for you' response.

so maybe, this should stop. because people-bashing, be it others or myself, isnt gonna work anything out. i'm just gonna take the time out i seem to need, and hope that God pulls through for me once again. and this should stop, because, i know i ultimately believe in His goodness....in spite of all the equally fallen people around me trampling the tiny flowers of my life, and the infertile soil of my disbelieving, faithless heart, i know that my God cares for me and one day, He'll show me what today means.

today, it will mean something. the folly and the pain, they are all meant for a greater good. for someone's greater good.... even though there really doesnt seem to be anyone right about now.

¹⁸ I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. ¹⁹ Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. ²⁰ All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. ²¹ Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”

Ecclesiastes 3:18-21 

   

No, not all is meaningless - I know because the foolishness of God is wiser than all of man's wisdom, even the teacher. So what more my folly.  

I'm pretty bummed out over this stretching phase, more so by the lonesomeness than the duties. But no, i am tested and stretched, that my faith will be purified like gold. I am walking towards a reward in heaven and an eternal fellowship with God. I came, molded by the hand of God, and I will go, holding His hand as perfect as i can ever be. To God be the glory.