the first quarter.

I remember the first quarters of basketball matches in school well.
Mostly, I'd start off on the bench.
Days where jiao lian put me up first were special ones.
Somehow though, this year, God put me up first.

but my reaction to that has been that of astonished dismay - ungrateful ass, yes?

 in a way, i have accepted responsibility by becoming more irresponsible.

what lies beneath is a tumultuous sea of discontent. Singapore doesn't satisfy me. Exploring its little nooks and crannies is insufficient. I have dreams of travelling the world, unhindered by commitment and material possessions and the well-intentioned rat race. rebelling against the stereotype, against the routines of life, even against the definition of travelling. God knows, I am well-suited to that life. Making do with whatever comes along, making stupid mistakes and having a good laugh over it, being a temporal blessing to friends along the way... I dream of it. and I plan for it. almost like it was my idol.
but indeed it has become that.

because, how is it not different?

at the very root of it all, it is the same carnal desire that drives me. i am merely accommodating the perceived limitations and the restrictions that life, and God, has placed upon me.
if i weigh all that i have done in the past quarter of this year, the plans, decisions and expectations I have made... then i am broken.

because i never intended to stay.

never.

i was just planning. to leave in the most correct, impactless and un-intrusive way i knew how. but all the other things that i was obeying God in were leading me in a direction to stay, and my heart was always straying off, making plans to escape and to "live" (at least that was how i defined it). NO WONDER I WAS DISSATISFIED. NOTHING WAS GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN, NOTHING WAS MOVING.

so here I am today. stuck in a conundrum of right and wrong. pulled in all the directions of dreams and responsibilities and of righteousness.

by grace, God has identified, ever so gently, how my wandering heart has grieved Him (and caused me much restlessness). today, i need to decide if those dreams i have will be idols in my life.

i need to give up dreams which i have dreamed of for forever.
i need to surrender desires which have defined most of what i know to be my identity.
because, right at the bottom of it all, i need to recognise and give due honor to the God of my life.

for now, i only know in part and i only see through stained glasses. and what i see, honestly hasnt driven me to give up all of that. but i will, soon. i promise myself that.
if i am to live in peace with God and to walk with Him, then i better start honoring Him.

this is just the first step. there will be a second. and a third.
Christ's sacrifice cost Him everything He held dear - His relationship with God the Father.
Maybe its time that my sacrifice of praise costs me something more.

I bring a sacrifice praise into the House of the Lord.
I bring a sacrifice praise into the House of the Lord.
and I offer up to you, the sacrifices of thanksgiving.
and I offer up to you, the sacrifices of joy.