Confessions are good for the soul, they say. And J's circumstances have stirred an outpouring of my heart to N; I wonder, if this was reckless. I told L, with a motives to be trusted. But I told N, almost at the end of our talk, because, ...?
But I remember the exact point, right at those block of flats, after the futsal courts. I blurted it out awkwardly. I was tearing before that, thinking about how I'd miss J. In a way, I allowed myself to tear up, allowed the emotions to surface.
She's the first to know about those suicidal thoughts and the words of freedom and that aversion/draw to disasters and pain and that weird attraction. She says I see the dots. She says she needs to wait.
Israel: the presence of God; seek His face, seek Him.
Other thoughts: Being chased. chasing time. appearances. physical highs.
If You are choosing not to heal, is it still right to feel sad? what would You have us feel? and aside, how would you have me live? I wonder if I feel the pain of God, again? or still do? maybe, ever have?
J is part of that cloud of witnesses, one of many, but one whom I love.
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