fool. folly. flame.

some thoughts for the new year.

for some strange reason, determining this year's direction and Word has been a little late. its already the Chinese new year... another time of endless feasting and polite greetings. but better late than never I guess.

if i could run, i would - i'm trying actually. just this darned guilt.
excuses just sound really lame right now. but everything else is just so heavy.
some of us deal with it better than others.

toggle the switch. set out alternative paths.

there is the lure of living as a hedonist... or rather, as a mindless being. how nice it is, to complain about the mundane and tiring, to indulge in the little pleasures, bask in the happiness of the moment. there's no planning to do, no heartbreak for others who dont really care about you, no awkward moments where you are pathetically ill-equipped, no obligations and standards to live up to. awesome-ness, no?

maybe telling myself i'll start once i've gotten it all figured out. so life will be lived in limbo, standing by the edge ankle-deep. because there are stories of drownings and near-death struggles, because there are laws stating that currents are powerful and jellyfish sting, because i've gone in once and fallen off the deep end by accident and because the fire that is driving me forward has retreated.
i see people living it up, unperturbed by that glowing in the distance, many who have dismissed the threat - and i am envious of them. i belong to the land, i do not have fins or webbed feet. water is part of the unknown and the unknown breeds fear. this is my life. i wish i had the guts to go in, but i dont. despicable. because i've been tasked to lead. and all i want to do right now is to run and be free of this responsibility.

run far from that house of cards. and walk, looking back, until i've figured out where i'm headed.

delusional ass.
reminds me of a friend i used to tease. flip, fly, fall.