"You don't know anything"

He's been through 2 break ups, a friend's suicide, a car accident - multiple...
She's a cancer survivor, walked her daughter through a stalking incident, PTSD, navigated church politics, discovered a generation in need of cathartic expressions...
This other one, has her head in the clouds and a heart that feels deeply. She has been there for her mother's meltdowns and carries her father's financial woes with him...

I'm tempted to ask: What's my story in comparison?

And while I know, it's not about this, I wonder -- if I'm so easily affected in the (comparatively) smaller and less severe issues -- then, what can I say of who I am, and what I know?

There really isn't much.

And I guess, while I can boast that I know of God's heart -- because of what I've seen and heard, and I can boast in my weaknesses -- because of all that intimidates me, I am really in no position to judge, or to consider less of others.

The frustrating thing is that I do.

And at the same time, I seek affirmation that puts me up there. Validation, that I can do something. All the while, knowing that no matter how much of it I get, it will never be enough -- because it is unwarranted.

What I judge as something that matters is that tenacity of spirit, the tenderness of heart for others and the hunger and passion for the presence of God -- but I have none of it, and I struggle with those values and abiding by them and the values of the world that still define so much of my thinking.

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Money woes. Financial (in)security. For posterity: It has been a while since I've spent so much on Christmas gifts. And its only for the cell group and colleagues... But I remember two nights ago, as I was doing my mental sums, and considering gifts for the kids, this came to mind: I'd spend - gladly - much, much more on each individual; because the value that every single one brings, is worth so much more than what I can give. And for the few, who have blessed me with so much, what they have given me is worth so much more.

And I realise, now, that isn't this what the love of Christ has done for me?

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Lord, change me. Renew my mind, make me like You. Loving, generous, holy.
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I'm still judging, I'm still ... well,  work-in-progress?
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10 years ago, Doulos changed my life and outlook.
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I'm really struggling, God. The jealousy is real. And it is ugly, too. I'm not sure what I'd do with a 10k bonus myself, but I feel the pinch.
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God, will this struggle ever become easier?