Out of deep waters

Only You would know that I'd be back here after so many years – six to be exact.
Coincidence after another – I cannot bring myself to believe in them anymore. But what are these parts that fit together so nicely in some cases, and in such undecipherable ways in others? How can I see the hand of God and recognise it and love Him all the more for it?

I feel like this year, many things are coming full circle. Yancey was a big part of it. But freediving is another. Ok, maybe not that many, but these are key.

O Lord, I'm enjoying this life. But at the same time, there are so many things that are not right with it, with me. There has been so much good. Such undeserved goodness. And yet, there are many things I long for, questions that remain unfulfilled.

To be honest, questions that i feel i need answers to, not really because of You, but because of the judgment of Your people.

Yancey's quote from Merton about how, it is not easy to find You, and how, if it was easy, it might not really be You. How is that far from the experience of so many others? Or is it just that no one else speaks of it?

I feel conflicted. Yet the direction You've given is clear: in your unfailing love, I will trust. in your salvation, I will rejoice. of your goodness, I will sing.

So, despite the loneliness I feel from a lack of kindred spirits walking alongside, the disrespect I am getting from people I'm supposed to be leading, the rejection and non-consideration of people who matter, I will trust. I will rejoice and I will sing.

This "I" will die – it is what is needed. God, show me what's next? How do I move into the next five years of my life?

Direct my steps Lord – even the naughty, rebellious ones.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me.