Fix me

I feel guilty - that his breathing is laborious, that his life is hard ... guilty because, he shows it, by what I think is his lack of gladness to see me. guilty because, he growled at me, because he took his foot away from mine.

And I wonder if it is the same with them - that I feel the need to act when I see a lack of fruits in their life, when I see them struggling, when I do not get a response from them.

How selfish is it? Self-obsessed. I'm sick of this, God...

I don't know what you think of me today. But when I look at myself, this is what I see: 

I see who I am not - by the standards of godly maturity. I speak without thinking, I stumble others with my messy testimony, I obsess over what has, or has not been said about me, I allow the jealousy to fester within, I judge and condemn those whose actions do not add up. I speak ill of those who have lost my respect. I misuse the time and talents I have been given, I abuse the beings God has made.

I see who I am not - by the grace of God. I see the hopeless wanderer. I see the despondent critic. I see the hedonistic wannabe. I see the selfish human. By the grace of God, I have not wandered beyond His reach. By the gentleness of Christ, I have not reached the depths of despair. And by the work of the Holy Spirit, my heart has not been hardened beyond repair. 

It is "Grazie Signore" - Grazie, Signore in the quiet nights when I am faced with the reality of who I am. Grazie, Signore in the moments that I cannot figure out if my faith is real, or if my testimony is a sham. Grazie, Signore in times when peace eludes, and a holiday that promises wondrous sights beckons. Grazie, Signore, because You are faithful when I do not know how to be.